Casyana

Casyana was addicted to touching, that is being touched by other people. However, it was not rather about the physical touch related to body. She was dependent rather on being touched much more intensively by words, glances, and behaviour. Anybody could touch her and in any place.

If she was touched by a kind word she responded with a broad smile and a lot of pleasant thoughts were milling about in her mind; thoughts which skillfully were building up her self-esteem. It was somebody else’s appreciation that enhanced her faith in her performance. Every kind feedback she received made her believe more and more that she deserved to be happy. Even the slightest gesture of sympathy would raise her sense of satisfaction.

Along with every idea uttered by someone else a pecular structure was being built – her house of self-esteem, which would often rise and fall many times throughout a day. A single snarky remark was enough to put out fire in the stove. A critical comment would ruin the roof. Merely a sarcastic judgment could devastate the interior. And on top of that there was aggression which was able to demolish all the house’s foundations.

Every day Casjana would appraise the current value of her house. She would examine the recent conversions and the latest damages. Depending on the day, the structure was getting bigger or smaller and that affected her sense of happiness which was once rising or decreasing, and accordingly her stamina was once peaking or plummeting,

Willing to restore what she had lost she was trying to mingle in the crowd. She was fishing for a cordial smile, kind word, gesture of gratitude, or admiring gaze. She was hungry for those “building bricks” and when she got any she would immediately errect some new walls, mend the roof, and do up the interior. However, when met with disapproval, doubts, denial, disagreement, or contrary opinion, she saw a bulldozer at her doorstep heating up its engine, ready to start its destructive job.

“There are people who do not care” – she was told occassionally. “They are crazy, They have got confused.” – some also commented. However, Casjana sometimes envied those people: to stop hunting, to stop acting against your will, to stop expecting, to let all the things go, to break free and start to feel things differently…

One night something happened, something that had changed her attitude for ever. Casjana had a weird dream. She saw a line of people in front of her. Each was holding a paper brick in their hands. Her work mate was the first to come up to her. He handed her a bulky cardboard block saying: “I never liked your ideas as well as you.” The next to come up was a blue-eyed child who quietly said: “You are old and wrinkled, you know that?” Then there followed an older lady who insisted: “You should do it my way! You ought to listen to me!”

The line of people seemed endless. Casjana was being slung mud at, walked all over her, pushed against the wall, knocked around, put under pressure. She was made feel guilty, unnerved and embarrased. However, regardless of what emotions had the person opposite her she stood her ground, firm and imperturbable, inviolable.

Her attitude made her feel some inner peace she had never felt before: stilless of mind, hushed up emotions, refraining from reacting, wonderful sense of detachment which let her surf on the stream of words. In the ice-holes of people’s gazes she saw herself slide gently on the frozen wave crests of the rough sea. She was balancing softly on her piece of ice floe and was, with a smile, watching that expressive dance of squirming bodies. Whenever another person approached her she automatically erased what had been before. “What had been said? What was that all about?” The wonderful void released all animals captured in the poacher’s net. And the lack of memories lead to the sense of peace – space free of any thoughts. As a result every paper brick just seemed to dissolve and disappear in the hands of the giver.

Not for a single moment did Casjana felt aversion towards any of those people. She was embracing them with her energetic smile which remained on her face regardless of the malevolent gestures or comments she encountered. She was brimming with the sense of loving from beyond the human realm. That loving manifested as a power of acceptance and an unshkeable conviction that behind the mist of people’s behaviour there hides a divine core: “What they are doing is just the projection of my own fears, blockages, reflection of my inner programs.”

Casjana woke up and placed her hands on her heart. The sense of inviolability still remained inside her. She could easily evoke it at her will. She also recalled the picture of her house, which only yesterday needed mending. With a relief she saw that the plain house had been transformed into a grand manor house. Instead of paper bricks there were bars emitting golden light, the light which could only be found just in one place – within herself. She had realized that the value of her property would considerably increase as soon as she starts acquiring energy for building it from her own source, with no need for any external bypasses.

The state of inviolability was a mistic and profound experience. That dream one more time plowed another strip of the field of her consciousness leaving behind some seeds ready for sprouting on their own. Inviolabilty has become a new sensation for Casjana, which she wished would anchor within herself for ever. After all the state was right at hand, right behind one deep conscious breath.